It's Okay For Your Kids To Be Bored During Quarantine
You may feel like a bad parent because of your kids’ boredom, but the evidence proves otherwise. This week, we are excited to share a post from parenting coach and blogger, Amy Webb, Ph.D., from “The Thoughtful Parent”, where she tells us why it’s okay for your kids to be bored.
"4 Research-Backed Reasons Why Parents Shouldn’t Relieve Kids’ Boredom"
By Amy Webb from The Thoughtful Parent
Sneak peek: A different take on the question of “what to do when kids are bored.” Hint, hint…nothing!
In the wake of the coronavirus crisis, many of us have become unintentional homeschoolers literally overnight. Despite lessons being sent home or online schooling, boredom still reigns for kids for hours a day. The question of “what to do when kids are bored” remains a common one on parenting groups and Facebook posts. In essence, however, this question is really one of social-emotional development.
Having been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, this question is not new to me. I’ve dealt with it time and time again. This time, however, I have a little more insight into dealing with bored kids. Let me give you a little backstory…
When my oldest son (now 10) was a toddler, I found myself turning into the stereotypical “Pinterest mom.” I basically became the cruise director of my child’s day. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it now, but I was the mom who looked up all sorts of activities on Pinterest to keep my son (and admittedly myself) busy. I had lofty intentions of trying to keep his mind and hands active. We tried crafts of all sorts and sizes – sensory bins, painting, and so on.
Guess what? With a few exceptions, he did not engage with most of it. There is nothing inherently wrong with these ambitious projects. I’m sure many parents have had hours of fun, educational time with their kids doing them.
But for me, this was one of many lessons in my growing understanding of my son’s temperament. Like many boys, he was (and still is) super active. He engages with activities on a much more physical level. Activities like trains or role-playing were a hit, but crafts…not so much.
It was also my first lesson in the art of simplicity. Perhaps like many of you, this lesson has continually been re-taught to me by my children over the years.
Fast forward a few years and now boy number two is a toddler, the lesson of simplicity still rattling around in my head. When faced with the question of “what to do when kids are bored,” this time I skip Pinterest. Instead, I give him a large bowl of dry uncooked beans and some spoons and bowls to play with while I make dinner. He’s entertained for a good 20 minutes (hours in toddler time). The art of simplicity wins again.
Research-Backed Benefits of Boredom
All this is to say that I have learned that boredom might be the best gift I can give my children. Research now shows this to be true, but I have felt it to be true in my heart for a long time. The benefits of boredom for kids (and adults, for that matter) are numerous:
Creativity: this study found that when individuals engage in an “undemanding task that promotes mind wandering” (don’t you love that phrase?), they have a better chance of being creative. In other words, allowing ourselves (or our kids to “waste time”) might actually lead to more creativity. This may explain why you get your best ideas while in the shower or on a walk.
Emotional Attunement: boredom really signals a lack of meaning, say researchers. In studies of boredom, researchers find that bored people are more likely to think of nostalgic memories that provoke emotion. These memories then provide a greater sense of meaning to their life. In other words, boredom, unlike apathy, is motivational because most people don’t like to feel bored. By allowing for a bit of boredom, you can train your brain in how to cope with it better.
“If we don’t ever slow down to allow ourselves the possibility of being bored, we’ll never have the opportunity to kind of clarify our own desires and our own abilities and our own unique way of expressing ourselves and engaging with the world.”
Overall mental health: a lull in the constant stimulation of screens, people and academic work can be a good mental break. There is a fine balance, however, since true boredom is also mentally uncomfortable. Once you (or your child) get past those uncomfortable feelings of boredom, it can offer us a chance to understand ourselves. Many authors, engineers and scientists credit times of boredom as when they truly came to understand their skills and what they had to offer the world.
Adults rarely have the opportunity to be bored (until recently) and need to create time for reflection, but children are well-poised to relish their downtime. During this time of stress, fear and anxiety, we could all use more time downtime to reflect on our experiences and feelings.
If you had the chance to “be bored” again, how would you spend this time? I would read, write, and cook to my heart’s content. That reveals something about the essence of who I am.
What about our children? Do they understand something about the essence of who they are? What would they do if they had free time to “do nothing?” That is the only way they will ultimately learn to understand the essence of themselves.
Does your son or daughter like to tinker and build new creations? Does he or she like to read and daydream about imaginary lands? May he or she enjoys drawing and doodling? These tendencies all emerge during times of boredom.
Re-think the question of “what to do when kids are bored.” Turn it into “questions to ask when kids are bored.” Sign up and receive this FREE printable list of questions to ask your kids when they say they’re bored. Questions that provoke thinking, reflecting and self-expression.
What to Do When Kids are Bored: Face the Uncomfortable Feeling of Boredom
But if kids are not accustomed to downtime, that first few minutes of unscheduled, free time can be an uncomfortable feeling. We and our kids have to find a way to push through that feeling of needing some sort of stimulation (e.g., TV, phone, iPad) and learn to enjoy the quietness.
One of the primary benefits of boredom: reconnection between people. Once we get past the “Mom, I’m bored,” or “Mom, do you have something for us to do?” phase, then we eventually get to the point of tinkering with Legos or building something out of a cardboard box. True, these are activities. But in essence, they are place-markers for reconnection, especially for boys. You’d be surprised how many good conversations come out of an extended Lego-building session or just tinkering around the house or backyard.
The main point of boredom is this: there’s no agenda. We don’t have to be anywhere at a certain time, and there’s no “goal” behind our tinkering. We’re just spending time together hanging out. After this period of reconnection, however, I think it’s also valuable for kids to spend time on their own (if appropriate for their age). Most weekends, we have quiet time in the afternoon for at least an hour. My elementary-age sons have now learned, though it does take practice, that this is their quiet time, too.
They tinker in their rooms, play with Legos, or read a book. You would be amazed at all the “treasures” they find in their rooms during this time – old drawings and countless toys they haven’t played with in months. We all end this time feeling refreshed and ready for another week ahead.
The Lessons of Boredom
The perspective gained during this time of relative boredom is part of a series of lessons that may just last a lifetime. Kids will forget how to divide fractions (as evidenced by me trying to help my 5th grader with his homework) but they probably won’t forget this time of quarantine when they had to figure out what to do with hours of time. They will remember how they felt at home with you. They will remember how they had to make up new games, build new creations with Legos and actually spend time with their thoughts.
While these lessons are not academic, they are no less crucial to a happy, productive life. As Lenore Skenazy points out in this article, these times are really building executive functioning skills–things like planning, problem-solving, and self-control. These skills are often best fostered in times of no schedules, limited agendas, and independence (anyone grow up in the 1980s?). So the next time your child says, “I’m bored” thing of this as the perfect opportunity to build mental and emotional skills that may serve well for years to come.
